I have this way with men…

I admit Lord, I’m much too scared to make the leap. What I mean is, I give my heart away so easily.

I’m not convinced men want that part of me.

What is it… about my eyes, my hair, my skin that they think they need?

To barely skim the surface before they leave… first spiritually, then mentally, then physically.

I’ve asked two boys to love me.

I left the second. Empty.

It’s high school all over again, falling for boys who barely see me.

Barely feel me.

Consumed by jealous, wondering who warms our bed– to be fair, it was always his to begin with.

Angry wondering who replaces me. Tell me, who gets your attention over me?

Tell me, who gets your affection now that it’s not me?

Who gets to be the woman that slides right in to the space in all my dreams?

Do you treat her better than me? Is she everything you need? Is she the woman of your dreams?

Is she the one who will make you kneel on one knee?

I…

Well… Lord, I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to see me. To feel me. To want me.

Oh, the wanting. The needing. We women can be so needy.

I wanted to be anything but me. For him.

Well. Hell. F*ck it. Now his dick can rise for those blonde tits littering his hard drive.

That was my first sign. That it wouldn’t be me.

Me, a passing fad, an experiment in blue jeans and overbearing immigrant upbringing.

I knew it wouldn’t be me… when I said we’d call it quits three months in and all he could say was okay.

I tried fighting the stars. Numbers. All the signs you, in the Heavens, sent down to me.

I’ve set him free. I think he’s already found an Aries, a woman who will help him breathe, maybe clear the smoke from out his head.

I hate her already. She’s not me.

Hate is strong. It’s heavy. What I mean is I want to be her.

I want to be the woman who stole him from me.

F*ck it. I’ve set him free.

And I know he won’t come back for me.

I let him go. I set him free.

And I know he won’t come back for me.

So… I keep wondering…

Why he told me he loved me, if he knew it wouldn’t be me.

Why he put up pretenses. Just to seduce me?

Why he let me stay. Did he not think what lying would do to me?

And… I admit, I am not looking to do it again. I want all the best for me.

I want men to stay away.

I want to seal my heart. Be the one who plays the game. A Jedi with the best plays.

Simply, to know the wool won’t be pulled over my eyes.

So, I’m letting him go. I’m setting him free.

Because I know his heart doesn’t long for me.

And that’s where he got me beat.

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