For a long time I was ashamed. I started training for my first Figure competition December 2013 and when I found I was not mentally ready to compete I began feeling like a failure. It felt like an obligation to continue to make progress, lose weight and burn the extra body fat I was carrying around.
In the midst of a 20 day workout streak this past January (2015), I took a break. I woke up and simply did not feel like going to the gym. And the day after was no different. Neither was the day after that or the day after and that continued until about…oh… I don’t know, last week? I was still eating clean pretty consistently, except allowed myself a lot more treats and “unapproved” foods than I would have a few months back. I broke up with the scale and I just kept winging it.
From the pictures, you can tell I gained weight, lost some muscle mass and unfortunately a bit of the strength I worked really hard in the gym to build. The thing is though, I am really happy I took that break. Part of me wants to slap myself over the head and scream “what the hell?!” because I was doing so well but the other part of me is really happy that now my focus is no longer on changing my body. My focus is improving it.
Before there was too much negativity. Constantly thinking “ugh, I’m so big” and “God, why won’t my thighs shrink?” or “I wish I could just snip all this belly fat off.” What a terrible way to live don’t you think?
I certainly thought so. I did not at all commend myself for how strong my legs had become or how beautiful my curves are in a dress or how I could do v-ups on a Bosu like a damn boss! Today I feel different. I am proud to be 151 pounds, and anywhere from 20-25% body fat. I will not kill myself or drive myself crazy trying to be a certain size or a certain weight. Instead, I hit the gym to improve my health. I work out because I love it and because it keeps me positive and smiling. It helps me overcome my binge/emotional eating. I want to get stronger and be the best me I can be.
And I think, if I focus on all of those things then all the smaller details I have always worried about will just come with the territory. I think changing my focus and my thinking will allow me to just have fun with my fitness journey! Already, taking the pressure off makes me feel so much more confident and assured that I will rock a bikini on a beach, and do Fitness photo shoots and compete on stage (simply for fun!). I will be the super shero I have always wanted to be.
And I will workout simply for me. What about you?