The Winding Road

Have I talked about what a binging episode feels like? Those of you who are currently battling and/or who have recovered from an eating disorder understand the pull.

It always feels like a build up. I can feel all of my stress, my emotions, doubts and self-hatred flooding my system. I would compare it to drowning, except there is no fear of going under or will to fight against it. I just want it over with.

It tends to consume me. I no longer want to get out of bed. I do not care for working out, or being a good friend or even sitting down to write. Really, all I want is to roll back over into bed and forget the world even exists.

Usually, it happens out in the world. On the train headed downtown, sitting on my boyfriend’s couch or shopping for groceries. When I was younger I use to vigorously roll my ankles to feel them pop. It would help break up the tension, keep me from crying… and eating. I cannot remember a time when I did not eat to quell my emotions and now that I do not roll my ankles, I fall back on the next viable solution: I eat.

I think about the closest outlet, what will bring me the least shame, but most importantly I think about where I can hide. An episode normally happens out where I can be seen but I always eat in private. I have binged on Reese’s Peanut Butter cups at my boyfriend’s house without him even seeing because I have gotten so good at gorging in secret.

The shame that sets in soon after is difficult but not as difficult as knowing I willfully mistreat my body. Mistreating my body is my coping mechanism. The first bite is always the most satisfying. My heart begins to slow, the pressure by my temple lets up and the need to make a fist goes away.

Finally… clarity.

But it is short lived because the moment I have finished the first treat, I want to go onto the next and the next and the next. Logically, I know I have had enough but that emotional part of me still asks for more.

More, more, more. It is always more, more, more.

I have been trying to figure out the best way for me to overcome those moments. Even though my binging and emotional eating is not happening back to back, it is still happening.

I cannot say I have the answer or a solution right now, but that’s part of the reason I write this blog. To show others that sometimes problems come about, and it seems as if we will never find a solution until finally there comes one day when we do. My fitness journey is not perfect, and I hope that someone else on their journey will see how the path to fit is a long winding road and will treat themselves kindly when coming up against roadblocks. Believe in yourself, in your abilities and strength.

Remember, it is not about how many times you fall down. It is about how many times you will yourself to get back up.

-TLD

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